wonderful. wonderful.
Click “play” for optimum reading experience.
I can’t tell you why I created this craft project. I just woke up on Friday morning knowing that it had to happen. Nor can I explain why I’ve made a habit of investing stupid amounts of time and effort into what are essentially joke gifts. I cannot pin down the wacky impulse in my head that says “So-and-So is having a birthday? Obviously s/he needs a handmade gift that is neither useful nor desirable!”
What I can tell you is that, when I’m not knitting, I have a serious weakness for elaborate and useless crafts. There is no scrapbooking at my house. I will never sew an apron or weave a table runner. Instead, I might slave for 20 straight hours to create a Halloween costume that will only be worn once.
I can also tell you that I have very patient and good-humored friends, and that last night one of them was the recipient of an utterly ridiculous, totally useless birthday gift.
It’s a diorama.
Based on an episode of The X-Files called “Home.”
(Which is, along with being intensely creepy and unintentionally hilarious, one of the most fucked-up, pathologizing, mindlessly stereotypical representations you’ll see on TV of rural white people. I’m just saying.)
If you want the nuts-and-bolts details of how I made it, please read on. Otherwise, feel free to just pretend you never saw a thing, and I’ll post again soon with some pretty pictures of knitting.
I started with a black photo storage box. I measured and cut scrapbooking paper for the wallpaper and ceiling, and a brown grocery sack for the floor. I boiled 1 cup of water with two tea bags until it had reduced in volume to 1/2 cup, and used a foam brush to tea-stain the paper. I then added a few drops of yellow and brown paint to a bit of Mod Podge, and affixed the paper to the insides of the box with a foam brush. I think the tea and tinted glue create a yellowed and water-stained look quite faithful to the show’s rendition of a home untouched since the Civil War (or, as Mrs. Peacock would say [inexplicably, since she has lived in Pennsylvania her entire life], the “War of Northern Aggression”). ETA: According to Ashley, this turn of phrase is not, in fact, all that unusual or surprising in Pennsylvania. And my friend Liz points out that, regardless of where Mrs. Peacock is from, if she sees it as the War of Northern Aggression, “why would she name one of her sons SHERMAN?? That’s the true continuity error. Suck it, Kim Manners.”
I then tea-stained some white muslin, and cut it into rectangles for the mattress and pillow. I stuffed them with poly-fill and glued them shut. I glued 5 popsicle sticks together for the bed posts, painted them brown, and glued the mattress edges to the wood. I glued the bed to the wall. There is a lot of glue here.
I picked up two $1 armatured muslin dolls from the craft store, and made Scully’s unfortunate pantsuit out of blue felt. I feel it’s quite loyal to her frumpy style during Season 4 (please note, of course, that not even the dowdiest of pantsuits can disguise Gillian Anderson’s total hotness). Ashley inquired as to whether the slacks are tapered. And yes. Yes they are.
For Scully’s signature red newscaster helmet-head, I used curly red doll’s hair (I couldn’t find any straight that would work with my $15 total budget). I put a line of hot glue vertically along the head, stretched a length of the curls over it, and cut off the bottom. I did this a total of 6 times all over her head.
Mrs. Peacock’s dress is made of brown felt. Her scooter is made of popsicle sticks stained with tea and brown craft paint, and has carpenter’s plugs for wheels. Her hair is leftover sock yarn from Ramona Bananapants. She is lashed to the scooter with a short length of black suede cord.
The framed kitty photo on the wall is a sticker on a piece of paper, tea-stained, with a wooden frame glued around it. The “Home” plaque is from the scrapbooking supply aisle at Michael’s.
I considered decorating the outside of the box: painting the word “Home” on it, jazzing it up with an X-Files logo, or perhaps adding some kicky racing stripes. But I ultimately decided that simplicity was key here — when it’s closed, the unassuming black shoebox gives no hint of the horror that lies within.
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March 30th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
OMG, that is the COOLEST thing I have ever seen! I can totally see an etsy shop in the making - weird scenes from popular TV shows! Oh, I would totally buy one from “the office”!
March 30th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
you are — and this is — amazing!
[how was the recipient’s reaction? ]
March 30th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
Wow, that is so so so cool. It is nerdy of me, but I knew exactly what was going on in that scene as soon as I saw it. It’s been years since I saw it, but that episode was seriously disturbing. I am so impressed.
March 30th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
Ok can I tell you as soon as I saw it I thought of that episode. that was the freakiest x-files episode EVER. Although I liked it in that messed up sort of way this episode and Deliverance have pretty much soured me on visits to the deep anything (south, mountains, midwest, rural areas…take you pick).
But great job with the representation and having fun loving friends
March 30th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
Hmmm…I didn’t press play before I read it the first time. I did the second time and now I am extremely creeped out by my flash backs from the episode :O)
The total experience is now COMPLETE.
March 30th, 2008 at 4:06 pm
Nineties Era Tapered Pants!!
(Seriously — your attention to detail is amazing. And Gillian Anderson is teh hotness.)
Your site is happily making me break my vow not to look at blogs the day before a macro exam! Woo!
March 30th, 2008 at 4:06 pm
Oh. My. God. I never saw this, but just read the entire TWP episode recap and.
Oh. My. God.
Please do me one of the Log Lady.
Love,
Julie
March 30th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
Pam
:)
I think maybe you missed your calling.
Only in Theatre do we routinely slave endless hours toiling over such loving Ephemera.
March 30th, 2008 at 5:00 pm
Wow. That’s kind of crazy, and kind of awesome. It absolutely is the creepiest X-Files episode ever. I remember watching it while on vacation, with the porch door wide open - half way through the episode, my mom quietly got up, closed and locked the door. And we all really, really appreciated it.
March 30th, 2008 at 5:00 pm
count me as another who knew what it was of the minute i saw it. that episode was so very very wrong, and you are one awesomely weird lady. =]
March 30th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
As soon as I saw the photo, I thought of that X-Files episode! Even before I scrolled down and read the text. That was the final straw for me with the X-Files — too disturbing. I literally never watched that show again.
March 30th, 2008 at 5:22 pm
That’s hilarious! I think I remember that episode.
March 30th, 2008 at 5:34 pm
Awesome. And you someone managed to make it even greater by including a Clue quote in the description.
BTW my high school history teacher was of the persuasion that thought The War of Northern Aggression was a more accurate name.
March 30th, 2008 at 7:06 pm
Congratulations, you have just won the internet under category, “Best. Craft. Ever.”
March 30th, 2008 at 7:23 pm
From now on I will scheme ways to become a friend good enough to receive a gift like this. It is fabulous and hilarous–love it.
March 30th, 2008 at 8:36 pm
oh my gosh, i love that diorama! it is so awesome! i would love to receive something like that, haha! also, love the song. it brings back some wonderful memories.
March 30th, 2008 at 8:37 pm
Random acts of silliness are sweet and make the world a better place.
Well done, girl!
March 30th, 2008 at 9:19 pm
this is incredible.
March 31st, 2008 at 6:21 am
Oh. My. Gosh. What a work of art. That outshines any goofy diorama I made in grade school (what a great art form they are though!!!!)
March 31st, 2008 at 7:01 am
WOW, so awesome. i’m speechless.
. . .
March 31st, 2008 at 7:28 am
well-done! that’s one episode of “the x-files” that really sticks in my mind, and i think you’ve done it justice. i love all the tea-staining and detail that went into this. and i understand the compulsion to make bizarre one-off projects: a few years ago i gave my friend steve a 6-pack of PBR that i’d dressed (each individual can) as a character from jackass. he still has them, unopened.
March 31st, 2008 at 8:14 am
Pam, I can’t tell you how perfect this is and the music was essential! So creepy, so disturbing, so wonderful! Very nice work indeed.
March 31st, 2008 at 8:36 am
Joke gifts are the best! You obviously had a blast making it, and I’m sure that the recipient loved it
March 31st, 2008 at 9:16 am
Hee hee hee hee hee. Hee hee. Hee hee hee. Hee hee hee hee. Genius.
March 31st, 2008 at 9:31 am
I must say, this is horrible. In the way that it reminds me of that episode (it has been years since I’ve seen it) and I do not appreciate that. I do appreciate, however, your adventurous crafty spirit that shows through all your work. Inspirational, but creepy.
March 31st, 2008 at 9:43 am
Dude, you need to spend more time in Central PA (and down into Pennsyltucky) if you don’t think people talk about the War of Northern Aggression there.
No, let’s talk about “unintentionally hilarious.” Because I’m gonna argue that it is, in fact, intentional, given that the co-writer is Darrin Morgan (see also: Jose Chung’s From Outer Space; Clyde Bruckman’s Final Repose; War of the Coprophages; Humbug). It’s the classic Morgan/Wong combo: Wong brings the creepy, but Morgan brings the funny.
And yes, I know who wrote which X-File. Don’t judge me.
March 31st, 2008 at 10:09 am
Seriously, weirdest X-files ever.
And I’m certain that a diorama is ALWAYS a great gift. The creepier the better. But maybe that’s just me.
March 31st, 2008 at 10:36 am
I never watched X-Files (can’t do scary – Agatha Christie is scary enough for me), but I can still appreciate your fabulous craftiness.
March 31st, 2008 at 11:53 am
I think I love you! Thanks for letting your freak flag fly.
March 31st, 2008 at 12:08 pm
Definitely remember that episode - I actually caught it in re-runs on Spike TV recently. Creepy indeeed!
March 31st, 2008 at 3:08 pm
Oh God, that episode scarred (and scared) me for life!
Hilarious to see your interpretation though. Very cool!
March 31st, 2008 at 10:57 pm
Oh man, I love it, totally love it!! And now I’m missing the X-Files terribly, although I also just read the episode (I couldn’t remember who it was under the bed!) and now I need to go find something to clear my head before I try to go to sleep. I forgot how absolutely creepy that one was.
April 1st, 2008 at 2:06 am
I totally remember that episode! Creeped me out and gave me nightmares for years! Awesome project!
April 1st, 2008 at 7:58 am
You are the most creative fun person I have ever “met”. I bet your friends appreciate you quite a bit for making their birthdays much more fun than a normal present would be.
April 1st, 2008 at 8:13 am
I know I’ve already said this, but: LOVE. SO MUCH LOVE. This makes me wish I had access to the stash of X-Files tapes my sister and I made in High School.
P.S. I have got to disagree with Ashley. Most of the Morgan/Wong episodes are my least favorite. They bring the creepy and the funny, but also the mischaracterizations. Which is too a word, firefox spellcheck.
April 1st, 2008 at 10:57 am
Wow, Pam, you are beyond awesome. That is truly a labor of love. I was a huge fan of the X-files (and yes, Scully was one hot agent), but wasn’t too crazy about this particular episode. Still, your diorama rendition of it is brilliant. I love the old-school quality of it. I made many a diorama in my elementary school days. You have one lucky friend!
April 1st, 2008 at 12:05 pm
I’ve heard rumors that there is going to be another X-Files movie…
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0443701/
July 2008….
April 1st, 2008 at 1:31 pm
I knew this scene and the episode as soon as I saw this diorama action. So cool in a sort of really distrubing way. Tell me, would you like to do a Twin Peaks scene for me? Because that would be pretty cool too…you know, if you are bored and have 20 hours to kill…
April 1st, 2008 at 2:52 pm
so for some reason i never ever saw an episode of the x files growing up. this is strange, i know. so my boyfriend has netflixxxed all seasons in a row, and we cannot stop gagging over mrs. peacock.
however, you have inspired me to recreate the scene from some other episode with the alien smoking a cigarette repeating “this is not happening.” so good.
April 1st, 2008 at 4:40 pm
You are a GENIUS!!!! I am one of those people that LOVES weird and creepy, useless gifts. I am sure your friends are as well. I totally remember this episode (how could you NOT?) The music totally added to the blog reading experience.
:::::::shudder::::::::
April 1st, 2008 at 6:10 pm
OMG … that is utterly amazing. The skills you have!
April 3rd, 2008 at 1:06 am
Holyshit, THIS. IS. AWESOME!!!!!
I am so impressed.
April 3rd, 2008 at 10:23 am
Oh my god. That’s ace! Where did you get the wallpaper?
April 3rd, 2008 at 3:19 pm
Holy crap, that was like the creepiest episode of the X-files ever. Totally gave me nightmares for weeks.
Your diorama is completely awesome. Despite the fact that now I’ll probably have nightmares again….’
(Hehe, all of your fabulous knitting does not cause me to de-lurk, but this - this totally did it. Hi. =)
April 4th, 2008 at 6:13 am
consider my mind blown, pam. this is CRAZY cool. the first time i saw that episode, i screamed! i can’t get over this!
April 5th, 2008 at 10:03 am
Wow this is some crazy, creepy, coolness. Love it!
April 8th, 2008 at 8:25 am
WOW. I am speechless.
(BTW, I finally updated my bloglines to your new home. I was very slacker-ish about it, but the last post on the old blog finally did it for me!)
April 18th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
Hey Pam,
I just got two skeins of Malabrigo Lace yarn from Woolgirl–thanks so much for the gift cert and give Ramona Bananasnatch a pinch from me!!
love, Heather
April 19th, 2008 at 4:21 pm
I was trying to block that episode from my memory - but first glance of that diarama brought it back… eeeeeeekkkk!
April 23rd, 2008 at 7:25 pm
One more thing…
If you ever come accross a diarama of Bob from Twin Peaks…. let me know.
equally as creepy.
May 2nd, 2008 at 5:22 pm
Your blog used to be a lot better. You never used to abandon it for months with no new knitting… and only a creepy diorama of an obscure X-Files episode.
You should either commit or delete, my friend.
May 2nd, 2008 at 6:19 pm
May 5th, 2008 at 11:42 am
That’s a shitty comment. Always the “anonymous” douche that does it……
I found you through Carson…and I have to say, I knew the EXACT episode. It still haunts the recesses of my worst fears / nightmares. I think it’s hilarious that you made the diorama of one of the most infamous X-Files ever.
May 27th, 2008 at 10:46 am
WOW!! “The Great Northern Agression”
That WAS the creepiest X-Files episode ever. What made it worse was the fact that my husband and I saw it one Friday night during a business trip to Buffalo!! Talk about TERROR!! Sitting in a motel room in Buffalo??!! We considered ourselves pretty lucky to have found the x-files to watch but knew we were in trouble as soon as they found the… baby….
Thanks for sharing your skills!
June 30th, 2008 at 10:24 am
I LOVED that episode. It was so totally creepy and freaky, what with the inbreeding and regurgitation. My favorite lines in teh movie:
Mom: “I’m hungry”
Son: “I’m ready.” (chews food and spits into her mouth).
Annnnnnd Scene!
July 9th, 2008 at 9:30 am
I’m late to the comment party but I also knew exactly what was going on in your diorama as soon as I laid eyes on it. I even just wrote about Home recently on my blog - it really is the creepiest episode ever.
August 11th, 2008 at 8:51 pm
…This is the greatest diorama evar. I totally remembered this episode when I saw the picture and I was like OMG. Totally sending this to my X-Files obsessed friend. She’ll pee herself with obsessive glee.
p.s. you’re awesome. <3_____<3
January 4th, 2009 at 9:36 pm
I so remember that episode- as soon as I saw the picture I knew exactly what it was. I even get that creepy song stuck in my head sometimes. (shudder)
Awesome.
March 2nd, 2009 at 8:42 pm
[…] creepy X-Files diorama […]
May 8th, 2009 at 9:22 pm
This is absolutely brilliant!
But I completely disagree that such gifts are neither useful nor desirable. I would be amazed if someone would take the time and effort to make something like this for me. I am sure your recipients feel the same way!
May 27th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
This is so cool!!
That was one creepy episode.
July 16th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
This is great. There is a running joke with my friends about this episode!
August 23rd, 2009 at 1:35 pm
OK this episode is the one of two X File episode that I remember and still talk about to this day. I saw it when it aired for the second time October 31, 1999 and it had the only TV-MA rating an X File was ever given. Fox would not play this again because of complaints that it was so disturbing and it was not til it went into syndication that it was aired again. SO I think your diorama is fantastic and I knew what it was immediately.
February 8th, 2010 at 10:47 pm
[…] } Buscando cosas en la red, me encontre con este post y desde que comenzó el mes Home, he querido mostrarselo. Se trata de un proyecto casero basado en […]
March 18th, 2010 at 7:41 pm
[…] cosas en la red, me encontre con este post y desde que comenzó el mes Home, he querido mostrarselo. Se trata de un proyecto casero basado en […]