Open Letter to the Douchebag Who Stole My Computer
Dear Jerkface,
You must have been thrilled to break into our van and find three notebook computers you could walk away with. And such dedication you showed in ransacking the whole place — no simple smash and grab for you, no sir. Only a complete trashing and defiling of our belongings would do.
So, congratulations! You are now the owner of the only two existing copies of my half-finished dissertation, which are on the computer and back-up drive that you stole. If the dissertation bores you, please feel free to instead browse the hundreds of knitting patterns that I have painstakingly collected over the last several years, or the hundreds of priceless family photos I have taken. I’m sure the last surviving images of my dead grandmother will mean just as much to you as they do to me and my family.
My lover hopes you enjoy leafing through the rare primary research materials, clippings, articles, and photographs that you stole along with his computer, and which he has spent several months collecting for his dissertation.
My friend Jeff hopes you like military-themed gay porn — his computer is full of it.
And Ian would like to thank you for deciding that his belongings weren’t worth carrying, and for leaving his clothing, passport, and birth certificate in a trash bin, even though they would certainly fetch more money for you than my crappy old Dell laptop. It appears that you don’t know a good thing when you see it.
I mean, look what else you left behind:
Koigu KPM. Thanks to Minty for infinite patience and guidance.But shall I use it for socks? mittens? willy warmer?
So thanks for not stealing the yarn, or my sockpal’s socks, or Laura’s bottle of whiskey (which we were very happy to have once the police left). I truly hope you get some good money for our stuff, now that you’ve got it.
Take care, jerkface.
Love and kisses, Pam
***Also, a special shout-out to the apathetic asshats who sat up in their gazillion-dollar air-conditioned TriBeCa lofts and watched it happen. Because they are special, special people.
To my online knitting buddies: I miss you. There are 482 new posts in my Bloglines, and I intend to read skim every single one as soon as I have my new computer up and running. I’ve also lost nearly all of your email addresses — so, if you have a moment, please leave a comment and/or send an email so I can re-add you to my address book.
And please tune in later this week for a wrap-up of some finished projects, and of this week’s lovely knitty bloggy meet-ups. My recent time off from blogging hasn’t been all bitterness and disappointment and grand larceny, after all. Life has been pretty good.
Plus, I’m off to Hawai’i today, and not a moment too soon. I need a fucking vacation.
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July 23rd, 2007 at 4:04 pm
OH. MY. GOD!!!! That is just awful! I really hope those jerks get what’s coming to them. I really, really feel for you, losing something like that is just … oh … can’t describe it. AWFUL isn’t even close. Please have fun on your vacation, I just wish I was there to hang out and give you a hug! Which island are you going to?
July 23rd, 2007 at 4:32 pm
Holy shit, Pam, I am so sorry. There are some really wonderful people in the world, huh? I just… yeah, I don’t really know what to say except have a really, really good vacation. Oh, and that I LOVE the word ‘asshat’.
July 23rd, 2007 at 5:04 pm
What a nightmare! Worse than a nightmare! I am so so sorry. I hope you can still enjoy Hawaii!
*hugs*
July 23rd, 2007 at 5:13 pm
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! OMG, what a horrible experience!!! Do you have any print copies/drafts of your diss? Wow. I wish you the best vacation EVER. for your address book: elinorATknitlawrenceDOTorg
July 23rd, 2007 at 5:15 pm
how horrible! i can’t believe people could see and did nothing (nevermind, it’s NYC - I believe it). my heart sank as I read what you lost….
July 23rd, 2007 at 5:26 pm
No. No. No. No. No. NOT the diss.
Holy crap. That is unbelievably awful. Someone MUST have a partial hard copy, at least–adviser? Reading group? Oh, I just feel sick to my stomach for you. I hope Hawai(tinypause)i has magical healing powers.
July 23rd, 2007 at 5:31 pm
Oh, no! I’m so sorry Pam
I’m glad that life has been pretty good otherwise. Enjoy your vacation!
July 23rd, 2007 at 5:32 pm
That is awful! I am so sorry!
July 23rd, 2007 at 5:40 pm
Oh, no, your dissertation! That sucks times a million! At least you still have your Koigu.
July 23rd, 2007 at 5:43 pm
Oh man, I’m so sorry. I hope that you have a way to retrace your steps so you don’t have to completely recreate your dissertation. It sure makes you realize the importance of backups (the off site kind). Best to you and have a great vacation.
July 23rd, 2007 at 5:50 pm
Oh, Pam, I am so sorry. I am sending you an email right now.
July 23rd, 2007 at 5:52 pm
I feel completely sick for you. Along with everyone else I can only hope that something good will come out of all of this and the karmic butt kicking the thief gets is beyond massive.
July 23rd, 2007 at 5:54 pm
I cringed through your whole post. What an epic bummer! I’m glad the Koigu was still there, but I’m thinking the whiskey was a lot more comforting.
July 23rd, 2007 at 6:00 pm
Ohhh noooo. That is so unbelievably shitty. I hope you have a well deserved vacation.
July 23rd, 2007 at 6:03 pm
i’m so so sorry, pam. how horrible! i can’t believe you lost your dissertation and your invaluable pictures!! It makes me sick!
I don’t know what to say except to get the hell onto hawaii and try to forget about this for a while. have a fabulous awesome kick ass time.
July 23rd, 2007 at 6:13 pm
oh NO! i am so sorry that happened to you. i can’t even imagine how traumatic it would be on so many levels. enjoy that vacation in Hawaii, you sure as heck deserve it. spa it up!
July 23rd, 2007 at 6:21 pm
I’m so sorry!!!
But I’m sure Karma will get to work soon.
*hugs*
July 23rd, 2007 at 6:25 pm
What a royal jackass. And those people watching?! They must be truly special.
I hope you find a copy of your dissertation somewhere. I cannot imagine losing something like that…plus your pictures and patterns. *sigh*
BTW, I feel like a total idiot for forgetting about your stop in DC.
Have fun in Hawaii!
July 23rd, 2007 at 6:42 pm
ugh god. not your dissertation. i’m so so so sorry.
enjoy your vacation…
July 23rd, 2007 at 6:47 pm
Oh. My. God.
I’m so sorry. That sucks a whole million tons. Hopefully Hawaii treats you with more respect.
July 23rd, 2007 at 6:49 pm
Oh no! I feel sick just thinking about your loss. I hope that everything works out as best it can for you. I’m sure the douchebags and asshats will get what’s coming to them — their lives must be pretty shitty already.
Enjoy your well deserved Hawaiian vacation!
July 23rd, 2007 at 7:16 pm
Wow! all I can think to say is Holy Shit. I think that you beautifully summed up the total bullshit it is to take someone else’s belonging. {{virtual hugs}}
July 23rd, 2007 at 7:39 pm
Well shit. That totally sucks rocks. I am so sorry!! Atleast you had some whiskey to soften the blow and could weep into some beautiful yarn. I know that doesn’t make it all better…but hopefully some Pina Coladas on a Hawaiian beach will help as well.
July 23rd, 2007 at 7:47 pm
Oh my goodness, that is just so terrible! Your dissertation! And photos and primary research materials…reading this made me feel like someone had punched me in the gut, I can’t even imagine how you must feel. Stealing sucks. I’m so sorry.
July 23rd, 2007 at 7:52 pm
gah. major suckage.
hope your hawaii adventure is all grand!
July 23rd, 2007 at 8:21 pm
that is just awful! That post just kept getting worse and worse. So sorry:(
On the bright side, you’re going to Hawaii! Yay!
July 23rd, 2007 at 8:25 pm
Pam–I am so sorry to hear about this disaster, this completely sucks for all you guys. Good luck piecing everything back together!!:(
July 23rd, 2007 at 8:27 pm
holy crap! That’s horrible! Vacation, indeed. Have as much fun as you can. I hope you can recover something in this mess–and at least you have your yarn…
July 23rd, 2007 at 8:34 pm
Oh NO! A pox on them, truly–something with open running sores. On behalf of my city, I apologize…
July 23rd, 2007 at 8:45 pm
This damn thing won’t let me comment! Take three.
I want to help! This sucks! Calling to you from the void over here! Please, for the love of all that is holy, accept my comment!
July 23rd, 2007 at 8:46 pm
Oh, so THAT’s the comment it decides to accept. Not the much wittier and more coherent ones. Sigh. Pam, anything, anything, anything I can do?
July 23rd, 2007 at 9:01 pm
Christ. I mean JEEEZUS. What does one do in this situation?? Going to Hawaii sounds like a darn right good plan. But what to do about the diss.? Can it be recovered at all besides re-writing? PLEASE let me know if there is anything I can do to alleviate the stress… a year’s supply of bath salts or bath teas, perhaps?
July 23rd, 2007 at 9:05 pm
oh no i’m SO sorry to read about this. about the diss — do you have a print out? maybe you can scan it?
regardless, please enjoy hawaii and don’t let this get you down too much.
July 23rd, 2007 at 9:09 pm
reading this post gave me a stomach ache. i can’t even begin to imagine how you feel. i’m so sorry pam.
what a load of crap.
they probably hadn’t heard of karma. they’ll understand soon.
if i can do anything/help replace anything/make you a mix cd, let me know!
July 23rd, 2007 at 9:14 pm
Oh. My. God. What the hell. I am so, so sorry! I don’t know what might hurt more, losing your grandmother’s pictures or the dissertations. I mean, how will you even begin to put a dis back together?
July 23rd, 2007 at 10:22 pm
Sweet Jesus, that is just terrible. I mean, TERRIBLE. I hope they find the asshats that took your stuff. Enjoy your vacation in Hawaii–you certainly deserve it right now!
July 23rd, 2007 at 11:39 pm
Hiya Pam,
I am so sorry to hear about your laptop, that is my worst fear realised and I HATE apathetic individuals who did nothing to stop that awful thing happening. Apathy will be the dead of this generation if we are not careful!!
I also wanted to say ‘HI’ offically and say a huge thank you again for such a wonderful swap. You were a great pal and I really wasn’t as attentive as I should have been as a receiver. Please no that I have mentioned you in my most reccent blog but am setting aside my next one just for you…all about you and your wonderful creations.
Well I hope things are going better for you since this post. Please keep in touch as I would love to keep this friendship going and also squeeze you for some information on your crafts!
Parisa x
July 24th, 2007 at 12:02 am
heart attack. I’m SO SORRY. how incredibly craptastic.
Enjoy hawaii and take some time to pull it together. you deserve it!!
July 24th, 2007 at 12:04 am
OMG! I am SO sorry and pissed off for you!! UGH!!!!
Your dissertation will be 3x better and your loving memories will never fade.
But in the meantime….UGH!!!! $%@!#
Definitely spoil yourself in Hawaii!!
C U Soon!
July 24th, 2007 at 12:04 am
Oh man, that REALLY REALLY REALLY stinks. I can’t believe someone would even do that. What a lowlife. Seriously.
And the fact that it has your dissertation on it is absolutely infuriating. I so sorry, cause that is gonna be hard to recover I’m sure.
Here’s hoping you’re able to relax a bit in HI and not worry about the loss of the computers too much.
July 24th, 2007 at 12:25 am
OH!! That sucks so hard.
At least you had yarn and whiskey, so that you could forget all of your troubles. How about some mittens with fair-isle? Eunny’s Endpaper Mitts, or something of the like.
*hugs* Thank you for leaving me a comment on my blog during your crazy time of computer-less-ness!
July 24th, 2007 at 12:38 am
holy crow. Words completely fail me. I am so sorry–holy crow. I’m 99% done with my dissertation, and can’t even begin to imagine what you’re going through.
July 24th, 2007 at 1:17 am
Ack! Oh, Pam - those fuckers.
July 24th, 2007 at 2:31 am
What perfect time for a vacation. Hope the asshats rot in hell! Go enjoy the tropical surf and sun!
July 24th, 2007 at 4:26 am
Oh that just SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
July 24th, 2007 at 6:11 am
On a happy note, have a great vacation!
July 24th, 2007 at 8:47 am
Oh no! Pam, I’m so sorry. x
July 24th, 2007 at 12:56 pm
Pam, I’m so so so sorry. Please tell me you and your partner have another copy of your diss and materials, please. This really sucks!! Any chance of getting the stuff back?
July 24th, 2007 at 4:06 pm
argh! that sucks! i feel like this is not the first time i’ve heard this story about touring musicians in nyc. i think it’s a regular problem. nothing is safe here. reminds me of going to detroit and not even leaving a quarter in my car because there were homeless there who would smash your window to get it in a heartbeat! anyway, have a great vacation. you deserve it.
July 24th, 2007 at 4:49 pm
Assholes. Can’t say much else….just complete assholes.
I hope you have some more whiskey stored up b/c just thinking about only the dissertation aspect of it makes me want to cry.
July 24th, 2007 at 4:50 pm
I actually almost started to cry just now. It might be PMS but somehow I think not. I pray that you guys had back-ups for the back-ups. What the fuck is wrong with people?!
July 24th, 2007 at 5:30 pm
The moment I read the headline my heart just sank. Like others have said I hope there is a copy of an earlier draft floating around. Try to enjoy your vacation.
July 24th, 2007 at 7:08 pm
what yucky, shitty, bullshit. i am so sorry. if i find them, i will deliver a cockpunch and/or twatkick.
love
jazz
p.s. that yarn looks like endpaper mitts or red herring
p.p.s. enjoy hawai’i!!!!! (that queers song just started blasting in my head)
July 24th, 2007 at 8:55 pm
wow. totally not cool. i’m really sorry that this happened to you. especially the loss of the dissertations.
July 24th, 2007 at 10:11 pm
beyond not cool, there is a whole lot of bad karma out there with their name on it. Have a good vacation, you need it!
July 25th, 2007 at 1:42 am
How terrible for your and your friends, Pam! So much work! I’m glad you’ll have some time in Hawaii. I hope things work out as best as possible, as soon as possible.
July 25th, 2007 at 2:05 am
They stole your dissertation! Ack! That’s really rough.
July 25th, 2007 at 2:28 am
You lost your dissertation?!? Maybe the universe doesn’t want you to get an advanced degree? My sympathies to you and my curses to the thieves.
July 25th, 2007 at 2:58 am
That sucks! I think that if they find the people who stole your computer, they should make them do 3 billion hours of community service in the form of dissertation research and housecleaning for you. Also, you’re right about the people watching from their fancy-pants lofts sucking just as much. Our country and world is in this disastorous state right now because of greedy apathetic characters like them. Oh, and if you’re looking for a copy of your dissertation, maybe you could call the federal government. The patriot act has to be good for something.
July 25th, 2007 at 1:37 pm
Pam, it’s already been said 59 times before, but *that sucks* seriously, seriously sucks. At the very least, you get to relax in Hawaii - I hope the asshat that stole your stuff has something very bad happen to them.
July 26th, 2007 at 2:25 am
ohmygosh. that is AWFUL. i love my computer more than a child, and i can’t imagine having it stolen.
glad to see it’s all going to work out okay!
July 26th, 2007 at 2:05 pm
Crap! I’m so sorry to read this. I hope your show went well and I’m bummed that I missed it.
Enjoy Hawai’i! I reccommend having breakast at the Hua Tree Lanai in diamond head- they make macadamia nut coconut pancakes and great coffee. It’s in the New Otani Hotel. Mmmm just thinking about it is making me hungry.
July 26th, 2007 at 11:52 pm
You seem to be recovering OK, but I had to join the chorus of NOOOOOO!!!
xo
July 27th, 2007 at 6:27 pm
Oh no! What a nightmare
It was a brilliant move to back everything up, but without the back up drive… My laptop died while I was writing my dissertation, but I had backed it up on another computer.
I hope you can enjoy your vacation! You really need to get away from it all for a while.
July 30th, 2007 at 8:21 pm
OMG!!!!! What JERKFACES indeed! the people that watched it happen even more.
I am so glad u are going on vacay. Relax and enjoy while you are there.
July 31st, 2007 at 1:39 pm
OMFG.
That would’ve made me quit grad school for real.
After crying for years. I’m sorry you lost your grandfather’s photos.
August 1st, 2007 at 8:48 pm
OOOH Pam! Your photos, your dissertation, your knitting patterns?! I can’t even imagine what I would do. At least they left the knitting…I’m off to go back up my laptop.
August 2nd, 2007 at 1:05 pm
Pissers! Can we help rebuild your computer knitting pattern stash? Any particular ones you like? Socks, sweaters, shrugs?