You must have been thrilled to break into our van and find three notebook computers you could walk away with. And such dedication you showed in ransacking the whole place — no simple smash and grab for you, no sir. Only a complete trashing and defiling of our belongings would do.
So, congratulations! You are now the owner of the only two existing copies of my half-finished dissertation, which are on the computer and back-up drive that you stole. If the dissertation bores you, please feel free to instead browse the hundreds of knitting patterns that I have painstakingly collected over the last several years, or the hundreds of priceless family photos I have taken. I’m sure the last surviving images of my dead grandmother will mean just as much to you as they do to me and my family.
My lover hopes you enjoy leafing through the rare primary research materials, clippings, articles, and photographs that you stole along with his computer, and which he has spent several months collecting for his dissertation.
My friend Jeff hopes you like military-themed gay porn — his computer is full of it.
And Ian would like to thank you for deciding that his belongings weren’t worth carrying, and for leaving his clothing, passport, and birth certificate in a trash bin, even though they would certainly fetch more money for you than my crappy old Dell laptop. It appears that you don’t know a good thing when you see it.
I mean, look what else you left behind:
But shall I use it for socks? mittens? willy warmer?
So thanks for not stealing the yarn, or my sockpal’s socks, or Laura’s bottle of whiskey (which we were very happy to have once the police left). I truly hope you get some good money for our stuff, now that you’ve got it.
Take care, jerkface.
Love and kisses, Pam
***Also, a special shout-out to the apathetic asshats who sat up in their gazillion-dollar air-conditioned TriBeCa lofts and watched it happen. Because they are special, special people.
To my online knitting buddies: I miss you. There are 482 new posts in my Bloglines, and I intend to
read skim every single one as soon as I have my new computer up and running. I’ve also lost nearly all of your email addresses — so, if you have a moment, please leave a comment and/or send an email so I can re-add you to my address book.
And please tune in later this week for a wrap-up of some finished projects, and of this week’s lovely knitty bloggy meet-ups. My recent time off from blogging hasn’t been all bitterness and disappointment and grand larceny, after all. Life has been pretty good.
Plus, I’m off to Hawai’i today, and not a moment too soon. I need a fucking vacation.